Introvert

I always feel this way
I feel as if everything I submit to others
Selfishly gets thrown away
I feel like I submit love and acceptance
Understanding and good moral
To people that I know or once knew
And yet they step all over my shoes
I feel like what I give is never what I get back
No matter what I try to do
I always get back from people
An attack
I let myself die to wants, desires and needs
And try to open myself up
As a safety net to people
But they trample over me like leaves
They chew me up and spit me out
Over and over again
And never think about
My feelings
My wishes
My stance or my opinion
They even try to get slick
By asking what I think
But I know its just another facade
Another way of pacifying me
Just long enough
So they think that I won't think what I could be thinking
But its past too late
You always know how a person see's you by the way that they respond
And this black cloud of hate always keeps me from seeing dawn
'Cause I once was a spawn
A fawn of emotional freedom and recompense
But these feelings I have now
Kept me at bay, ever sense
The first foreshadow of dealing with the human condition arrived
I was so ill equipped I would constant duck down
Run and hide
Because good character and moral won't deal with this type of malice
It's only a fruit of whats on the inside
But I've forever long been so good at dealing with the outside
Rather than the inside
I tried to look like I had it all together
And tried to be a really good person
I tried to help people throughout it all too
But it's impossible to do this and succeed
Because sin has a festering, perpetual, unstoppable bleed
That can't be fixed by merely making life changes
It can only be fixed by being inter fixed, betwixt the Love of the Most High
You'll die if you love politics
And you'll waste your life trying to be good on your own standards
Like I used to
I tried and tried
But my heart was so seared
I was afraid of letting people know what I was dealing with
Because they already had me on such a high petastool anyway
I just lived up to their expectations
And dealt with it all
Introverted
The place where I became misguided and perverted
In shackles of oppression
The place that I dare not enter
But constantly go...

Never Been

More than a list of things I didn't accomplish -

This is an introduction to my life's dissertation

I guess you’d say confession

The threshold to life’s promise.

Transparency to my inner inerrancy

Staring at the mirror and wondering whose starring back at me.

See the truth is that I’ve never been good at saying how I truly feel

Even when I have enough time to write it and recite it

My mind still is successful at dividing

The truth from a lie

Feeling from logic

Fact from fiction

Glory from shame

Light from dark

Happiness from sadness

Too bad it’s never quite worked out for me in the long run

As I’ve put all of my trust in acting like another man’s son.

Imitating the gestures and phrases of moguls

From popular culture

Reciting their idea’s while starving myself

Making an easy clean up for vultures.

Copy-catting the portrayal of what it is to be a man

While continually

Succumbing in bitter defeat to this secret peer-pressure

Again and again.

It’s an inner toil and tussle

Where I can’t even move a muscle

As my vain attempts to speak up for myself

Drown in political make-up

Like the Royal Palace of Brussels.

When you think you know who you are

How do you know that it’s true?

How do you know that what you’re trying to be, is really for you?

Cause I’ve never been the kid that gets his first kiss after school

Never been the best man at my best friend’s wedding

Never been rich enough to eat Cordon Bleu

Never been brave

Never been confident

Never been full of faith

Never been late.

Never been happy

Never been fulfilled

Never been amplified

Never been real.

Never been true

Never been open

Never been a finisher

Never been a fool.

Never been emotional

Never been alive

Never been wanted by someone

They never could deny.

Never knew why I felt that way until I was introduced to the Gospel

I never knew I had worth

Never knew that I was chosen for love since birth.

Never consistent

Never unashamed

Never filled with continuity

Never been a living proclamation of Yankee Ingenuity

Never been first place

Never been last

Never been absent from class

Never been happy with my racial or socio-economic class

Never been good enough

Never been smart enough

Never even been good enough to die

Never been happy about what makes me alive.

Never ever been free from the grips of lust

Never ever have I been one that I myself could trust.

Never been happy

Never been hopeful

Never been paraded like a mogul

Never been impressed upon to shape another man’s life like the Pope do.

……

…..

….

…

..

.

I’ve never been happy about myself.

And the truth is, I never will.

How can I be happy at this state?

Inconsistent

Hopeless

Frightful

Codependent

And full of Hate.

I need something I’ve never had before to be what I’ve never been

Because I’ve never been honest with myself about my dormant hidden sin.

The plague of mankind that can’t be seen with the naked eye

But is always recognized when you’re freed from the fear to die.

It takes something unrecognizable to our moral standards

To free a man who’s riding the roads of life alone on a tandem.

He’s never been submitted

Never been acquitted

Never been accompanied

Never been lead

Always been alone.

Always living his life to himself

Always flying by the seat of pants

Never once asking for anyone else’s help.

Never made to his destination

Always waiting

Always procrastinating

Never finishing

Quick to be his own plaintiff.

Fighting only to loose

Mad at his pops for not giving him the keys to life

Fighting everybody with hard strife.

Doing his own thing

Justified in his own head

That what he said is what he is

And what is he is what he said.

Living for a puffed up propose

Middle finger to the air

Reckless in his intellectual intent

To force God to be fair.

Struggling inward

But lying to rest of the world

That he got it all together

His heart’s intent changes like the weather.

He judges people by their actions

And judges himself by his intentions

Squirms at any idea different from his to mention.

Never been keen to need more than good thoughts

About himself and the universe

As he continues to give himself props.

For thinking outside of the box

Lying to himself again

Like his thoughts are going to give him what it takes to be a man.

I’d be lying if I said that I’ve never been him

Because the truth is every day

I wake up in his skin.

I wake up having never been more than my thoughts

As I down trodden into an abyss of oughts.

See…

I’ve never been much of anything

Just a young man mad at God demanding the world to give me a reason to believe in Him.

Like it’s all up to them.

Lying to myself again.

I’ve never been happy because I’VE NEVER BEEN HAPPY.

It’s not anyone else’s fault or responsibility to make this happen for me.

So as I begin to denounce what I’ve never became

Let me reintroduce to you a thought process free from shame.

Since I’ve never been

I couldn’t BE own my own accord

I needed a Savior, a Redeemer, one to whom I could call Lord.

One who could develop me into everything that I’m not

One who could transform my position right there on the spot

And ever since that day

I’ve never been more grateful

Never been more thankful

Never been more filled to the brim

Never been more elated

Never been more intrinsically happy within.

Never been more confident

Never been more patient with others

As I see how the love of this God has not and will not

Ever give up on me.

Apart from Him, I’ll always never be

But partnered with Him

I live my life in HD

I live my life in candid apparel

As I destroy my old boxes

And throw away my empty barrels

Of self-consciousness and malice

I traded it all for a living palace

And His word seals my heart

Making unto to Him like a golden chalice.

I’ve never been graced to say

That this world I’m living in

Can also be yours

Don’t settle for a tour

Run past the threshold of His wide open door

That ushers you into His presence

Leaving your old clothes on the floor.

Trade it all

Your have not’s and wants

Desperation's and Questions

The ultimate answer

My God, He’s waitin’.

The Enemy in the Mirror

The Enemy in the Mirror

Some days I hate you.

Most days I can’t stand you.

My only competition in this race called life,

And all my efforts are to sedate you.

Frustrate you

Make you unhinged

Beat you at mind games

Play and toy with your emotions

As I pull and tug your chains.

Attempting to make you go insane

And self-destruct

Running amok

Dangling a carrot in front of your face

Only promising success to you by luck.

As I tempt you and trick you

Lie to you and hide from you

While I circumvent your every persuasion

Causing your constant hesitation.

Your constant bouts with trepidation

Can only lead to one explanation

That your wounds are the fruition

Of another man’s premeditation.

So I’ll boast high and wide

That my trophy will suffice

Even though it foreshadows the man whose winnings

May turn to demise.

Even though we collide

I take pride in beating this guy

The biggest loser of all time

And my most favorite of goodbyes.

The itch I can’t wait to scratch

The birth place or hatch

Of my most diabolic schemes and plots

Aimed at the brim of his hat.

But how long must I dis-join my body’s different members

To strike this opponent

Leaving him under my surrender?

He doesn't even fight me back

Not a single swing or punch

I've tried making him cough up

His yesterday’s lunch.

But he doesn't even buy it

All the while I feel his cold hard stare

As I attempt to thrust him in the air

And send him air borne

Crashing to the concrete

Helpless in defeat

I even try to rub dirt in his face

As gravel crackles under my feet.

Vibrant am I

Never discreet

As I raise my hands in victory

Only to be standing over a man

That will always look like me.

The Biggest Loser

Dictionary.com defines the term 'competition' as: the act of competing; rivalry for supremacy, or a prize, etc.; also a contest for some prize to win, honor, or advantage; the rivalry offered by a competitor.

So much of our lives today get marked, motivated, lead and influenced by to aspect of competition - whether it’s in the ring of academics, athletics, politics, business, social status, popular culture, military advancements, technology, work environments, religion and pretty much every other aspect of Western Civilization.

The truth is that because being competitive is so embedded in our society and our perspectives, no matter what situation we could possibly be in, at any given time, the need to have a winner or a loser, to some degree, is always understood, hoped for and pushed to ultimately attain.

What do you gain by you actually 'winning' in anything?

Whether it’s winning an argument with somebody, or being better than another person at something or smarter than them because you remembered something that they couldn't recall when the call to respond on a topic presented itself.

What is it all for?

Clout? Respect? Bragging rights? Keeping the ‘weaker’ person emotionally depended on you? Manipulation for personal gain of influence?

Isn't the core of winning based upon your ability to be able to perform at the given time of the contest?

Kinda sounds like the sports industry huh - or really everywhere you could choose to look, because frankly, we can’t escape the need to compete even if we wanted to.

The amazing thing about the Gospel message that Jesus preached over 2,000 years is that, He says that in God's eyes, because we've looked to ourselves, and our abilities and our knowledge to succeed, prosper or 'win' in this life apart from God being the source of our accomplishments, we've actually lost everything that we could have possibly held on to qualify ourselves, through ourselves, to be ‘winning’ or to be a success.

Literally, we are the biggest loser.

When you look throughout history, how many civilizations have attempted to get ahead or to advance or to grow their empires or establish their footprint in known history, only to eventually fail and to have a legacy that always has ended in defeat, shame or even total surrender and apparent loss in some cases?

I can’t name or find one that has passed into the ‘winning circle’.

See that’s the beauty of the Gospel, our sin, though it has lead us astray as we live in enmity with God, has been championed by Jesus who has restored us back into right relationship with God by giving Himself for our sin.

So what does completion specifically have to do with the Gospel?

Because the way in which we compete and use competition causes us to live as if we don’t need God, and if we even do, it’s always on a conditional basis.

The bible tells us that in our weakness, we are made strong in the Lord and in the power of His might; so if my dealings in any relationship that I may have are coming from a place of being better than, smarter than, faster than, wiser than, holier than anyone else, I have now moved away from a position of total reliance on God and into the realm of doing things for myself by myself.

Literally for us, every day that we aren’t reading His word, submitting our thoughts to Him in prayer, seeking His direction for the course of our lives and asking Him to intervene for us in the situations we face, we are making ourselves available for complete and total failure.

If we’ve historically lost because of thinking that we don’t need Him to live, what makes us think that it will magically be different for us now?

By nature we compete to win but it’s always at someone else’s expense and sadly this is the way that competition works.

It’s impossible to win without someone else being at some form of an expense to be your second best, runner up or just plain not good enough to finish first.

The Gospel doesn’t even the playing field with losers and winners in this life; the Gospel streamlines man’s (mankind’s) ambitions to live and shows him (us) that our aspirations apart from God, will take us beyond getting over on other people and lead us into being separated from God because we allow ourselves to be taken over by our said passions and desires. God wants all of us, even the side of us that wants to defeat foes and fight enemies and attain personal gains because of it. He wants that side of us too, because that side is the very thing that will cause us to lose everything that we call ourselves working for.

·         Some women lose their husbands in marriage because of the unwillingness to submit to the natural order that God has designed for marriage. They want to compete for individuality, emotional control and consent and out of fear that a man could actually do what God has called him to do; without realizing that their selfishness is the very thing that’s truly keeping them away from being an individual in the first place.

·         Some men lose their wives in marriage because they feel the need to conquer their spouse and to compete with the inconsistent and often times unorthodox demands that her emotions need from time to time by forcing her to steer every feeling she has, without loving and understanding what her need really is and providing that for her.

·         Some people compete with themselves so much so that there is no room for error and they fight internally to constrict and bound themselves up, from themselves, at any given time for any given reason. You see this in religion all of the time. Where a person is so devout that they will mutilate themselves in more ways than one so that they can have mastery over themselves.

The thing is that the list really goes on but I pray that you really grasp the concept I’m showing you today, and that’s this:

Competition has, can, and will with no resolute or conformity, take your living self away from you and dare you to try and take it back.

Don’t live in competition with anybody, including you.

The road is so lonely, that after you achieve everything you set yourself after, you’ll now spend the rest of your life trying to scramble together the pieces of a broken life while you try to figure out how you could have possibly lost everything though you’ve attained everything.

Having everything and yet possessing nothing.

That’s the harsh reality of letting competition fuel your life.

I challenge you to allow God to be your Vindicator, your Ambassador, your Beneficiary, your Confidant, your Captain, your Truth, your Source, your Supply and most importantly, your Motivation.

Doing this is as easy as asking Him to forgive you for letting your life turn in opposition to His guidance, because I feel that if you’re honest enough with yourself, you’ll recognize that God has been trying to get ahold of you for quite some time now.

The bible says not to harden your heart, but to literally allow Him to speak to you and to let His word judge your heart so that you could be free from condemnation and alive to live and move and have your total being in Him.

That’s the beauty of all of this! His word is not attempting to separate you, hurt you or condemn you! His word is there so that we could have a road map to lead us back to His presence when we go astray. It’s also there to give us a play by play text of how we are to live out our lives now that we’ve given up on competition.

Literally I mean that God has developed a way to replace the life we used to live so that we could remain free from the things that so easily entangles us and traps us, keeping us away from a relationship with Him.

Don’t just take my word for anything, I encourage you to go and hit the texts in scripture and see if I’m right about what His word says concerning what it takes to really be a winner in this life and then judge yourself where you’re at, in honesty, and really answer the question:

Who am I, and Why am I here?

Marcus C. Hollinger