(a.lone in failur.e) And That's My Testimony!

So here it goes...
My attempt to display my past in vivid color
From wishing to have a brother, to being loved my my mother
To hiding myself from the world under neatly folded covers
Convinced of not having worth
Wanting to commit suicide
Hating myself without any reason
Thinking I'm living just to die
I've had visions of being molested by my own youthful lust's
And being choked out by demons
Devilish activity running amok
In my mind
I tried to hide it and fight it
But i was divided
From my light source
I ran from my truth - that I had once abided
I tried porn to soften my pains
I never knew who I really was called to be
I made up in my own mind how i going to get there
Making mistakes relentlessly
Hating everyone around me
But smiling in there faces
Bitter towards God the Son
Who seemingly stolen all my fun
And wouldn't answer me anymore
Had He ever really listened?
'Cause im missing
There's gotta be a Amber-ALERT or an APB out
Some one on a mission...
But they never came to look for me
And i knew it was true
I was so sick and dried up on the inside
The only color I sustained was blue
I lost all of family
Lost my remaining friends
I thought that i had made it to a promised land
But failed once again
Ive been doped up on love songs
And lost in my emotions
Drowning in pools of unwant
Submerged under perilous oceans
Suffocated by fleeting beauty
Gaged by reels of lies
Beat up with blows of unfairness
Having my neck rung by spies
Being taken advantage of by opportunists
Of various types and sorts
Left for dead when they were through with my heart
They stabbed it with many swords

So i tossed my dreams away
And gave in to all the pain
I locked it down
(my heart)
And melted the key
Not letting anyone in ever again
I swore that i would never give myself to people
I cursed at the cross
And flipped birds toward the steeple
I judged the masses with class
And selfish dexterity
But little did i know
That the Lord was preparing me
He was setting me up for a spiritual awakening
And He let me act out all of my pain
Then humbled me restlessly
And on Christmas Day
I recommitted
My case He acquitted
And he blessed me with a vessel
To which I am now smitten
:)

But this is the truth of my heart
The readers digest version
Because i have to release this off my chest
Before i go to join with another person
The Lord is matchless and perfect
And all praise is due
The the King
Who's my provider
And so to you
My life's song I'll sing...