I've Closed Down My Heart For Repairs

(annouce title) - because the part that was initially there has been taken to utter despair
I'm grippin' my sheets
every week
and i can't sleep
my knees are weak
my eyes leak
'cause I'm a type of a lost sheep..

Every conversation opens a void that i can't seem to close
Cause i really wanna talk to you, but I'm constantly opposed
I'm froze, locked up, as a POW-U, yeah you heard what i said
I'm walking around as a prisoner of words unsaid
Words slurred, un-dead, walking and living - seemingly - but only existing
Empty and grimacing
My cellophane's my nice smile
But my pain runs deeper than Shyne's release files
I'm locked up in a straight jacket of offenses and grim intent
So acknowledge this..
I'm absolutely Done Everyday, Affirmed in Detriment
Check the Doppler-Radar, my hearts Yelling through a fence
I'm defeated and depleted
Convinced for your opinion once, but i no longer need it
'Cause you won't give me your time anymore
Conniving Conceited...

So I'm done wasting words
Ive shut the door to my heart
Melted the key in an exhaust
Of a running, parked car
And watched my chance to have you again
Melt away in despair
As my time with you
I see now....
Was never really there....




.f.in.
Pre-Repentance (Summer of 2011)

deeper than the oceans

Your love for me intrigues
And dares me to try and breathe
A breath without your oxygen
Felling like a canopy without leaves...
.and yet you're deeper than the oceans.
======
You have a lake of fire
That's only meant to consume
The things you don't want me to have
(that i keep locked away in a room / a closet / a catacomb / a notebook / a secret /
A violent act of indecent style behavior
Patterned to my sinful nature -
Born with this 'don't ask, don't tell'
Concerning my exact thoughts and motives,
Is what you said to give to the light...
And now I'm exposed...
.and you're deeper than the oceans.
======
Yet the heterosexual tendencies - beg me to please
This yearning of the flesh, and to have a womb within possession
That's why when a she comes in my paths
I guess that's why I constantly ask
"Is she the one to raise my seeds from?"
Thoughts running fast - I fall into temptation half in half with hesitation
And let thoughts of compromise start to shift/drift into a wrestle
With my spirits right teaching
And my fluctuating feeling's that need Jesus' breaching.
'Cause she can never complete me like the Most High
who is the Operator of Integrity
And Truth's untold by.
.and yet you're deeper than the oceans.
======
Afro-centric figures scattered across the political systems / arena /
Can't even compare to your sound wisdom
So one shouts 'Eureka!'
'I found it' and 'by George that Man's got it!'
Money Money Money MUNAHHH!!
but yet our envious heart is distraught-ed
See He's the Easter basket
The gift to us - the knowledge - the builder of rapport
The original race maturity ward
The giver of peace and love - strength and authority
The perfect special someone who's constantly crying
"stop ignoring me."
.and your love is deeper than the oceans.
======
We cannot comprehend this unconditional love
That reads no shell size or colors
Just character and intent -
Knowledge will pass but wisdom lives on
And love will always prevail
Because of the rock that it's built upon
...
And I ask if you've ever seen a pair of eyes that my savior didn't die for?
Have you ever witnessed a dead child, who's mother couldn't cry for?

Have you closed your eyes
And imagined a day
That you could
SOAR
FLAP
ASCEND
.....
.and fly away?.

So can you beloved, even with eyes open today..
Plummet into the depth of His love for you...
.that's deeper than the oceans.


.i love you.


.sincere.

lecherousness

And so it begins - the conscience within
Is stimulatively connected to sin.
I've tried to act like I've walked past it, but the pain is that which won't subside.
But an act of a patriarchal glorified 'do goodie' only proved me - in reality - to be a victim of good booties.

Watching Erica Campbell and licking my lips to the satisfaction of lust,
never ever wanting to leave this place - never ever having enough.
I can taste in my atmospheric midst that surrounds / the reels / that continue to play the picture...
that i see with my eyes - visualizing myself with her.

Her in my hands - and continually rejecting God's plan - to stand firm and outstandingly pursuing the righteousness - that makes a sound man.
All the while I'm still salivating, waiting, contemplating and hesitating -
Plus my hearts racing
By the imagery - its my makeshift
I'm nearly fainting!
Cause it's realer than most - But I'm only like rocking the PlayStation.
...


...

.....

So what do i want?
Love or Lust?
Lies or Trust?
Anarchy or Harmony?
Condemnation or Emancipation?

How do i figure out what ticks turn my tocks?
And how much faith do I have when faced with the cops? -
Of my own personal prison cell of thoughts and motives
A motif of musical hierarchy -
And yet i just stroll in -
And out - back and forth
wrestling with my advice -
to understanding wisdom
and with holy admonishment - never think twice.

But concerning the treacherous past
I've now inherited my forgiveness of being and opportunist
and never asking permission.

I know where my love lies in this day and time
It lies in truth and in integrity
In patience and understanding.
In boldness and in valor.
In good report and in faithfulness.
In stewardship and in praise
In thanksgiving and in righteous dialogue.

In warm nights and in overcast mornings/
sunrises and sunsets...

and in moments of youth - and in your safety I'm joining....

.righteous and forgiven, from my lecherous past.



.sincere.

Memoirs

This is the exposition of yours truly
Telling about the truths of my life
The loved ones and the ones that tried to subdue me then screw me
From the people of my past
to the people in the present
To the movement of my mindset
to reciprocate the New Testament
The struggles in my youth
and the pains of my yester-years
from cold and lonely nights
to pillows soaked, filled with tears
To harboring unforgiveness against a Holy and Righteous God
and asking for repentance and growing up always feeling odd
Psychological abuse and brief harmless misdemeanors
to stick up kids robbing somebodies granny at the cleaners
Ignorant to the world, but alive to my pain
Why has it taken so long for me to let go of the shame?


(CH. 1) - MOM
Dear Mom,
I praise God for your never ending fighting
For me
I never understood why you wouldn't ever leave - me alone
I wanted to try and make it on my own
but you knew i couldn't do that - you that i was prone
To making all kinds of mistakes and mishaps
Venus fly Traps that are made to hi-jack
These young cats and riffraff's
I love you for seeing the plank in my eye
And not being afraid to tell what's up and why
When Christ comes to reconcile His bride
I'll stay close to abide
But you go first
I'll worship and stand to the side


(CH. 2) DAD
Dear Dad,
You should know that
I've hated myself, and hated the world and massaged misanthropy - and I've cried out for help but got left up on the shelf
And all the wile you willfully withheld your hands from me
I never understood why you thought buying me a whole bunch of stuff
Would make up for the fact that there was a wall dichotomizing us
Your emotional ups and downs made me frown, as you cursed me and my mother
At a point in my life where i needed your renown
I've needed your honesty, not your empty promises
But you won't see that, 'cause your heart's napped up like Benjamin Wallace's
Afro
Anglo
Saxo
Island of Patmos
John revealed a complete yet simple revelation for your situation
I encourage you to fit your description to that of Jesus'
And tell your wife you love her, and ask the lord for grievances
I don't wanna bear the shame of a son who's been neglected
And turns his back to seek vengeance, grappling a choice weapon
I wanna forgive you and move on
I'm praying for your protection
I'll wear the Lord word as my necklace
I beseech you to seek Him like a detective


(CH. 3) CATHERINE
I don't know how to say i love you enough
What must i do to prove to you that im your true soul mate
Before i return to the dust?
I fell in love once and never been persuaded
My heart was vindicated
But by you i sometimes get frustrated
'Cause i see you with another brother
But you know he aint your lover
he can't hold you close like your smothered under warm covers
Like i can do
I love you and miss you
Miss you and love you
I even grasp the pillow at night
Pretending just to hug you


(CH. 4) HIP-HOP CULTURE
From Queens to North Philly
To Chicago to the Walks of Milli
I've crip-walked to Dre Beats
And shoulder shrugged to 'Get Silly'
I slapped hands with wak fans
and bought albums again and again
while idolizing Nasir Jones
mimicking his B-boy stance
But you never gave anything to me - you offered a great many suggestions
Seduced me to give into something that wouldn't give me back a lesson
At first you were refreshing
Something that i could connect with
But you rule the hoods over the US
with massive destructive weapons
lust, envy, greed, hatred, vanity, and self-idolatry
i didn't see under your skirt
until it took a bite outta me
It wasn't easy to divorce you - but you hated my soul
The only thing that you ever gave me was a heart of stone and coal
So when i flip my fitted cap back now
I hopeful for your downcast
I pray that Jesus comes down quickly to destroy you at last


(CH. 5) PORNOGRAPHY
you touched me early - 5th grade - to be exact
HBO my secret habitat
a sperm donor to my mattress pad
I was like a crack addict
I licked my lips to the satisfaction
of 3 girls in one room climaxin'
Dreams of playboy bunnies filled my thoughts
Masturbation came soon after
And raped my innocence around the clock
I was internally morbid, i was more sick than poor kids
But cooler than moguls with soulish plights and strobe lights
The truth is i was co-dependent
It felt so good for someone's attention on me constantly
or at least when i watched it - see...
My hearts hurting 'cause i couldn't tell anyone that i indulged
in our poison that tasted like cotton candy
but bears terrifying results
trepid, trippin' and taken
mistaking - void of pure elation
Mocking other's conversations
and trying to be a plaintiff to mask this secret that's killing me from the inside out
I was disillusioned like a painting
set still while holding a lame splint
But I've never heard i love you come from your mouth

(CH. 6) FCFC
This place was like a brass vase
It had a space in my heart
that i was convinced would never ever
grow apart
But was smashed like a glass face
And i ended up being a casualty on the alter of convenience
I wanna ask "Did you really mean it?"
when you spoke those prophecies
of me being the man that i would be?
I've been flipped upside down
Cursed and look down upon
while you claimed that everyone whose left
is terribly wrong
Listen, i miss you
But really i want you to be truthful to your self and say
am i family even now that I'm not there on Sunday?
You'll see im a brother to truth now
And a sibling the sound wisdom
A son to the King of Mercy
a follower of repentance...

(CH. 7) THE ARTS
I don't know what i would have done without you
there by my side
when i put the pen to the pan
hearts leaping inside!
Im full force with your tools
as i describe my conditions and willfully aim
My words at a God who promised to listen
I wrote to you starting out in journal entries that ive slowly got away from
But this itching the write sometimes makes my hands go numb
even fruity loops, without the compositions that ive made -
i can't say that my ear would have developed today
3 years have past and people are screaming about me online
yet im interceding if now, unto God, is the right time?
You saved me from the streets, you delivered from a confused heart
paved a way from me to blot out my speech impedimency
You gave me a fresh start, so from you I'll never part
residing in your healing like im chilling in the park
ive tuned in to the 89th key, drum hardware
software bundles, and late nights with chef boyardee
Sampled Paul McCartney - i didn't think that i would get to the same beat
Of Marcus Garvey
i was just a partial, hardly, under the radar of
popular cultures established parking
But you made something out of my mistakes and random antics
and appealed to the listeners - who force fed semantics
I wouldn't ask for a better way though
I have a sound now that's superseded a fraudulent call to be tight

(CH. 8) JESUS
Its crazy, i was just a baby when you developed a plan for my life existence
But afterwords i was always tripping
I would listen and then Cristen, but shortly after miss it
But you put up with my mess for a relationship - not a Christian
I worship you Lord cause you've scripted out a blockbuster that's souled out to you
My soul bleeds for the truth
You nailed my regrets and mistakes on a rugged old cross
Died a criminals death for my souls sake - and you're the boss
You embraced my loneliness so you could come close to me - and watch me react to your goodness - i finally can now breathe!
And finally i can now see your light and your beautiful attire
you've sculpted my hearts shape from love and the mire
All the while you you invited me to beat of your heart
When you press against my torso
I never know where to start
to express my love for your kindness and mercy
my soul was thirsty
till you filled it up with overflowing love
Psalms 81 verse 3
Ive looked around to see the mountains surrounded Jerusalem
to calm me heart you gave me the life of Methuselah
So i say selah
and hallel to your name
Of king of all Kings
and Lamb that was slain!

(CH. 9) SELF-CONSCIOUSNESS
You've followed me around for most the duration of my life
And Ive been ill equipped to try and stab you with a knife
But i like life - and I'll hit you with a selection
That will push for 5 mics - and start to seep into the present:
i hate you - bitterly, with malice
my heart's calloused because i was afraid to say what i wanted to say
But i choose to kill the pain
That you chase with - but you're mundane and loosing a lifelong battle
Im now calling upon His name
You 2 faced counterfeit detrimental door mat
double minded connoisseur of things consistently gone mad
I want it back - i want a life free from depression
you're a bacterial infection that's stopped by heavenly Robetissum
I question
if you'll ever be back - and id have to be swayed to say no
cause im sending up the river, drowning, suffocated under a boat.

Ceremony To My Wife (official)

(Verse 1)
and as the flower unfolds
im standing in awe
of the silhouette of God's spirit
and i wanna get near it.....
im geared up panting
hands sweating
heart thumping to the drum loop
without any regrets
and i circumvent my sinful nature
and submit to understanding
a reprimanding to what might jeopardize our holy dancing
but we're chanting
a new song to the Lord of Hosts
and here we can win....

here we stamp out other peoples stereotypes
and embrace each other for the love
and not the hype
not for gaining attention of the eyes of human beings
but for holy matrimony
the agreement of the evening
the bond for all eternity
with her im not adjourned
see!
cause she's blessed with the gifts
of the one with maternity
the breeding ground of life
giver of my decedents
my child's first teacher
and to my heart - the winner

(Verse 2)
I've see some cold nights
and some rainy days
and now i have to chance
to praise
he who gave me you
and so I'll sing for you and He
for the rest of my remaining days

and this i do with purpose
so the wells of my spirit
erupt and wash over the surface
spilling out unto your shoreline
replenishing the earth
making your two favorite scents
your frankincense and murr
but when i entice, im free from the lust of the past
so i bring you a clean offering
for lifetime that lasts
resilient to any attacks
so to the snares we laugh
because our shield is a force
that always watches our back

and with the fruits of the spirit
we're given each other heart to help mend one another
the triumph can you hear it?
can you hear the trumpets blows
and shouts of excitement
my Fathers face, He glows!
we're chilled by reunitement
He pleased with our coming together
for this appointed time today
so we shed tears - kneel - announce - and pray

(Verse 3)
your beauty releases me
from this plank within my
that's why with tears i wanna kneel down and cry
and thank the Lord God of Jacob and Elijah
God the Son
He made a way for us reconnect hun!

so peace im asking
please don't mask it
make it like an Easter basket
so vivid i can grasp it
and she was promised to me
yet you speak trough her word and her actions
anonymously
i intercede for this love like it's a ballad
and she's beautiful in and out
like a seasoned blossomed salad
with ripe fruit on her branches
she's the breeding ground of life and loyalty
with virtue substantial
she got 'cha man
still stammering from her glamorous spirit
she whispers and my soul can hear it
see ive changed from the inside out like transformers
a new eternal battery
plugged into Lance Armstrong
i chose you you blessed me
i wasn't ready to receive this gift
i understand why you undressed me
you ripped the veil of my flesh to shine a new life
to breathe a new breathe
you see that i passed the test
rewarded with the prize of her hands
who would have known that it was God's plan
for me to be her man....

according to your obedience

i realized that I'm selfish today
sad thing is that i was the whole time - but the truth i forced to go away
i kept from you my real motive
refusing to be exposed
gave you something that you could relate to
something that you'd already know
something that looked dapper,
dangling with dandelions diminished of detriment
but under the surface lay full fledged bitter selfishness
time an again I'd let this conversation go on about the things of spiritual concern
things that break the inner core into, the stuff we already learned
- the stuff from Sunday school teachings, from the Wednesday night youth meeting
the biblical preaching, that were leeching, and breaching my soul - tied around my chest and neck, and causing me to sweat
prostrating under the conviction, all the while i recollect

and I'm thinking about my loathsome distrust
the deceptive taste of lust - where
in my mind thoughts run amuck
and im stuck, captured by love!
I'm captivated by this awesome person
I'm elated and get lost on purpose
cause my creator and boss is workin'
on making my oughts to serve Him!
I looked into His depths finding colors that eyes haven't seen
that angels, seraphim and cherubim since time began, constantly dream
the one who completed the cross work
and jumped off the throne of heaven
saw the need for a savior
a without hesitating violently jumped in -
the King of Kings and the Lord of Lords
as Johns revelations Book described
was looking into my heart and soul
with eyes burning with light
immediately my conscience gripped me and i fell to the ground
weak in every place and every inch of my body
i layed powerless, positioned like a paralytic poverty
swearing that i was ready for this encounter
but yet a fool was I
because he revealed a layer about me
that separated me from God....
"If you want your freedom, then take it, but choose today which you will serve..."
every word, every noun, every breathe i felt
in me,
it made my temple scorch, and my neck burn hot
timidly, i took my hand and reached for Him
He said "Peace, be still, for the Lord is your portion.."
the sound of many waters, rushed quickly, it felt like i was in a tornado
and yet i wasn't moving
the weight was so powerful, that still i couldn't move, but tears wouldn't stop falling, i didn't know what to do
i finally mustered up a cry to the Lord
"Let your servant by! Don't let me die! Have i not found favor in your eye!?"
.......
my eyes then open and the light hum of the humidifier fills the ear drum, softly
i reach over to the alarm reading 4 digits - lofty, yes at 02:33am
i lay awake wondering, "Am i were i am?"
Am i really here still?
in this 4 walled container?
still without answer, still forgotten, still needing a trainer?
needing a guide, or guiding light, or guide that's right
or a guy that speaks right, or a time to recollect life?
No - cause He's here He's ubiquitous - meaning everywhere every time
in every place in every rhyme - yet he stopped me in a spot where my sins weren't forgiven....
He stopped the party and said there still needs to be remission
your heart's still dirty
And your harboring bones dead
And your walking as a prisoner of words unsaid....