Memoirs

This is the exposition of yours truly
Telling about the truths of my life
The loved ones and the ones that tried to subdue me then screw me
From the people of my past
to the people in the present
To the movement of my mindset
to reciprocate the New Testament
The struggles in my youth
and the pains of my yester-years
from cold and lonely nights
to pillows soaked, filled with tears
To harboring unforgiveness against a Holy and Righteous God
and asking for repentance and growing up always feeling odd
Psychological abuse and brief harmless misdemeanors
to stick up kids robbing somebodies granny at the cleaners
Ignorant to the world, but alive to my pain
Why has it taken so long for me to let go of the shame?


(CH. 1) - MOM
Dear Mom,
I praise God for your never ending fighting
For me
I never understood why you wouldn't ever leave - me alone
I wanted to try and make it on my own
but you knew i couldn't do that - you that i was prone
To making all kinds of mistakes and mishaps
Venus fly Traps that are made to hi-jack
These young cats and riffraff's
I love you for seeing the plank in my eye
And not being afraid to tell what's up and why
When Christ comes to reconcile His bride
I'll stay close to abide
But you go first
I'll worship and stand to the side


(CH. 2) DAD
Dear Dad,
You should know that
I've hated myself, and hated the world and massaged misanthropy - and I've cried out for help but got left up on the shelf
And all the wile you willfully withheld your hands from me
I never understood why you thought buying me a whole bunch of stuff
Would make up for the fact that there was a wall dichotomizing us
Your emotional ups and downs made me frown, as you cursed me and my mother
At a point in my life where i needed your renown
I've needed your honesty, not your empty promises
But you won't see that, 'cause your heart's napped up like Benjamin Wallace's
Afro
Anglo
Saxo
Island of Patmos
John revealed a complete yet simple revelation for your situation
I encourage you to fit your description to that of Jesus'
And tell your wife you love her, and ask the lord for grievances
I don't wanna bear the shame of a son who's been neglected
And turns his back to seek vengeance, grappling a choice weapon
I wanna forgive you and move on
I'm praying for your protection
I'll wear the Lord word as my necklace
I beseech you to seek Him like a detective


(CH. 3) CATHERINE
I don't know how to say i love you enough
What must i do to prove to you that im your true soul mate
Before i return to the dust?
I fell in love once and never been persuaded
My heart was vindicated
But by you i sometimes get frustrated
'Cause i see you with another brother
But you know he aint your lover
he can't hold you close like your smothered under warm covers
Like i can do
I love you and miss you
Miss you and love you
I even grasp the pillow at night
Pretending just to hug you


(CH. 4) HIP-HOP CULTURE
From Queens to North Philly
To Chicago to the Walks of Milli
I've crip-walked to Dre Beats
And shoulder shrugged to 'Get Silly'
I slapped hands with wak fans
and bought albums again and again
while idolizing Nasir Jones
mimicking his B-boy stance
But you never gave anything to me - you offered a great many suggestions
Seduced me to give into something that wouldn't give me back a lesson
At first you were refreshing
Something that i could connect with
But you rule the hoods over the US
with massive destructive weapons
lust, envy, greed, hatred, vanity, and self-idolatry
i didn't see under your skirt
until it took a bite outta me
It wasn't easy to divorce you - but you hated my soul
The only thing that you ever gave me was a heart of stone and coal
So when i flip my fitted cap back now
I hopeful for your downcast
I pray that Jesus comes down quickly to destroy you at last


(CH. 5) PORNOGRAPHY
you touched me early - 5th grade - to be exact
HBO my secret habitat
a sperm donor to my mattress pad
I was like a crack addict
I licked my lips to the satisfaction
of 3 girls in one room climaxin'
Dreams of playboy bunnies filled my thoughts
Masturbation came soon after
And raped my innocence around the clock
I was internally morbid, i was more sick than poor kids
But cooler than moguls with soulish plights and strobe lights
The truth is i was co-dependent
It felt so good for someone's attention on me constantly
or at least when i watched it - see...
My hearts hurting 'cause i couldn't tell anyone that i indulged
in our poison that tasted like cotton candy
but bears terrifying results
trepid, trippin' and taken
mistaking - void of pure elation
Mocking other's conversations
and trying to be a plaintiff to mask this secret that's killing me from the inside out
I was disillusioned like a painting
set still while holding a lame splint
But I've never heard i love you come from your mouth

(CH. 6) FCFC
This place was like a brass vase
It had a space in my heart
that i was convinced would never ever
grow apart
But was smashed like a glass face
And i ended up being a casualty on the alter of convenience
I wanna ask "Did you really mean it?"
when you spoke those prophecies
of me being the man that i would be?
I've been flipped upside down
Cursed and look down upon
while you claimed that everyone whose left
is terribly wrong
Listen, i miss you
But really i want you to be truthful to your self and say
am i family even now that I'm not there on Sunday?
You'll see im a brother to truth now
And a sibling the sound wisdom
A son to the King of Mercy
a follower of repentance...

(CH. 7) THE ARTS
I don't know what i would have done without you
there by my side
when i put the pen to the pan
hearts leaping inside!
Im full force with your tools
as i describe my conditions and willfully aim
My words at a God who promised to listen
I wrote to you starting out in journal entries that ive slowly got away from
But this itching the write sometimes makes my hands go numb
even fruity loops, without the compositions that ive made -
i can't say that my ear would have developed today
3 years have past and people are screaming about me online
yet im interceding if now, unto God, is the right time?
You saved me from the streets, you delivered from a confused heart
paved a way from me to blot out my speech impedimency
You gave me a fresh start, so from you I'll never part
residing in your healing like im chilling in the park
ive tuned in to the 89th key, drum hardware
software bundles, and late nights with chef boyardee
Sampled Paul McCartney - i didn't think that i would get to the same beat
Of Marcus Garvey
i was just a partial, hardly, under the radar of
popular cultures established parking
But you made something out of my mistakes and random antics
and appealed to the listeners - who force fed semantics
I wouldn't ask for a better way though
I have a sound now that's superseded a fraudulent call to be tight

(CH. 8) JESUS
Its crazy, i was just a baby when you developed a plan for my life existence
But afterwords i was always tripping
I would listen and then Cristen, but shortly after miss it
But you put up with my mess for a relationship - not a Christian
I worship you Lord cause you've scripted out a blockbuster that's souled out to you
My soul bleeds for the truth
You nailed my regrets and mistakes on a rugged old cross
Died a criminals death for my souls sake - and you're the boss
You embraced my loneliness so you could come close to me - and watch me react to your goodness - i finally can now breathe!
And finally i can now see your light and your beautiful attire
you've sculpted my hearts shape from love and the mire
All the while you you invited me to beat of your heart
When you press against my torso
I never know where to start
to express my love for your kindness and mercy
my soul was thirsty
till you filled it up with overflowing love
Psalms 81 verse 3
Ive looked around to see the mountains surrounded Jerusalem
to calm me heart you gave me the life of Methuselah
So i say selah
and hallel to your name
Of king of all Kings
and Lamb that was slain!

(CH. 9) SELF-CONSCIOUSNESS
You've followed me around for most the duration of my life
And Ive been ill equipped to try and stab you with a knife
But i like life - and I'll hit you with a selection
That will push for 5 mics - and start to seep into the present:
i hate you - bitterly, with malice
my heart's calloused because i was afraid to say what i wanted to say
But i choose to kill the pain
That you chase with - but you're mundane and loosing a lifelong battle
Im now calling upon His name
You 2 faced counterfeit detrimental door mat
double minded connoisseur of things consistently gone mad
I want it back - i want a life free from depression
you're a bacterial infection that's stopped by heavenly Robetissum
I question
if you'll ever be back - and id have to be swayed to say no
cause im sending up the river, drowning, suffocated under a boat.