Introvert

I always feel this way
I feel as if everything I submit to others
Selfishly gets thrown away
I feel like I submit love and acceptance
Understanding and good moral
To people that I know or once knew
And yet they step all over my shoes
I feel like what I give is never what I get back
No matter what I try to do
I always get back from people
An attack
I let myself die to wants, desires and needs
And try to open myself up
As a safety net to people
But they trample over me like leaves
They chew me up and spit me out
Over and over again
And never think about
My feelings
My wishes
My stance or my opinion
They even try to get slick
By asking what I think
But I know its just another facade
Another way of pacifying me
Just long enough
So they think that I won't think what I could be thinking
But its past too late
You always know how a person see's you by the way that they respond
And this black cloud of hate always keeps me from seeing dawn
'Cause I once was a spawn
A fawn of emotional freedom and recompense
But these feelings I have now
Kept me at bay, ever sense
The first foreshadow of dealing with the human condition arrived
I was so ill equipped I would constant duck down
Run and hide
Because good character and moral won't deal with this type of malice
It's only a fruit of whats on the inside
But I've forever long been so good at dealing with the outside
Rather than the inside
I tried to look like I had it all together
And tried to be a really good person
I tried to help people throughout it all too
But it's impossible to do this and succeed
Because sin has a festering, perpetual, unstoppable bleed
That can't be fixed by merely making life changes
It can only be fixed by being inter fixed, betwixt the Love of the Most High
You'll die if you love politics
And you'll waste your life trying to be good on your own standards
Like I used to
I tried and tried
But my heart was so seared
I was afraid of letting people know what I was dealing with
Because they already had me on such a high petastool anyway
I just lived up to their expectations
And dealt with it all
Introverted
The place where I became misguided and perverted
In shackles of oppression
The place that I dare not enter
But constantly go...

Never Been

More than a list of things I didn't accomplish -

This is an introduction to my life's dissertation

I guess you’d say confession

The threshold to life’s promise.

Transparency to my inner inerrancy

Staring at the mirror and wondering whose starring back at me.

See the truth is that I’ve never been good at saying how I truly feel

Even when I have enough time to write it and recite it

My mind still is successful at dividing

The truth from a lie

Feeling from logic

Fact from fiction

Glory from shame

Light from dark

Happiness from sadness

Too bad it’s never quite worked out for me in the long run

As I’ve put all of my trust in acting like another man’s son.

Imitating the gestures and phrases of moguls

From popular culture

Reciting their idea’s while starving myself

Making an easy clean up for vultures.

Copy-catting the portrayal of what it is to be a man

While continually

Succumbing in bitter defeat to this secret peer-pressure

Again and again.

It’s an inner toil and tussle

Where I can’t even move a muscle

As my vain attempts to speak up for myself

Drown in political make-up

Like the Royal Palace of Brussels.

When you think you know who you are

How do you know that it’s true?

How do you know that what you’re trying to be, is really for you?

Cause I’ve never been the kid that gets his first kiss after school

Never been the best man at my best friend’s wedding

Never been rich enough to eat Cordon Bleu

Never been brave

Never been confident

Never been full of faith

Never been late.

Never been happy

Never been fulfilled

Never been amplified

Never been real.

Never been true

Never been open

Never been a finisher

Never been a fool.

Never been emotional

Never been alive

Never been wanted by someone

They never could deny.

Never knew why I felt that way until I was introduced to the Gospel

I never knew I had worth

Never knew that I was chosen for love since birth.

Never consistent

Never unashamed

Never filled with continuity

Never been a living proclamation of Yankee Ingenuity

Never been first place

Never been last

Never been absent from class

Never been happy with my racial or socio-economic class

Never been good enough

Never been smart enough

Never even been good enough to die

Never been happy about what makes me alive.

Never ever been free from the grips of lust

Never ever have I been one that I myself could trust.

Never been happy

Never been hopeful

Never been paraded like a mogul

Never been impressed upon to shape another man’s life like the Pope do.

……

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….

…

..

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I’ve never been happy about myself.

And the truth is, I never will.

How can I be happy at this state?

Inconsistent

Hopeless

Frightful

Codependent

And full of Hate.

I need something I’ve never had before to be what I’ve never been

Because I’ve never been honest with myself about my dormant hidden sin.

The plague of mankind that can’t be seen with the naked eye

But is always recognized when you’re freed from the fear to die.

It takes something unrecognizable to our moral standards

To free a man who’s riding the roads of life alone on a tandem.

He’s never been submitted

Never been acquitted

Never been accompanied

Never been lead

Always been alone.

Always living his life to himself

Always flying by the seat of pants

Never once asking for anyone else’s help.

Never made to his destination

Always waiting

Always procrastinating

Never finishing

Quick to be his own plaintiff.

Fighting only to loose

Mad at his pops for not giving him the keys to life

Fighting everybody with hard strife.

Doing his own thing

Justified in his own head

That what he said is what he is

And what is he is what he said.

Living for a puffed up propose

Middle finger to the air

Reckless in his intellectual intent

To force God to be fair.

Struggling inward

But lying to rest of the world

That he got it all together

His heart’s intent changes like the weather.

He judges people by their actions

And judges himself by his intentions

Squirms at any idea different from his to mention.

Never been keen to need more than good thoughts

About himself and the universe

As he continues to give himself props.

For thinking outside of the box

Lying to himself again

Like his thoughts are going to give him what it takes to be a man.

I’d be lying if I said that I’ve never been him

Because the truth is every day

I wake up in his skin.

I wake up having never been more than my thoughts

As I down trodden into an abyss of oughts.

See…

I’ve never been much of anything

Just a young man mad at God demanding the world to give me a reason to believe in Him.

Like it’s all up to them.

Lying to myself again.

I’ve never been happy because I’VE NEVER BEEN HAPPY.

It’s not anyone else’s fault or responsibility to make this happen for me.

So as I begin to denounce what I’ve never became

Let me reintroduce to you a thought process free from shame.

Since I’ve never been

I couldn’t BE own my own accord

I needed a Savior, a Redeemer, one to whom I could call Lord.

One who could develop me into everything that I’m not

One who could transform my position right there on the spot

And ever since that day

I’ve never been more grateful

Never been more thankful

Never been more filled to the brim

Never been more elated

Never been more intrinsically happy within.

Never been more confident

Never been more patient with others

As I see how the love of this God has not and will not

Ever give up on me.

Apart from Him, I’ll always never be

But partnered with Him

I live my life in HD

I live my life in candid apparel

As I destroy my old boxes

And throw away my empty barrels

Of self-consciousness and malice

I traded it all for a living palace

And His word seals my heart

Making unto to Him like a golden chalice.

I’ve never been graced to say

That this world I’m living in

Can also be yours

Don’t settle for a tour

Run past the threshold of His wide open door

That ushers you into His presence

Leaving your old clothes on the floor.

Trade it all

Your have not’s and wants

Desperation's and Questions

The ultimate answer

My God, He’s waitin’.