immeasurable pain

i have no alternative motive to write this to you Lord
besides that fact that i want all to see what you saw
i want 'em to feel how i feel - now
and taste what ive tasted
when i found myself on my knees crying
over a life that was wasted
the computer screen i chased it
the lust of the flesh i basted
liked a cooking turkey
eyes glazed over
and needing a face lift
to collect my jaw off the ground
in awe of degradation
inspired by unlawful attire
and captivated by PlayStation
but i hid from you
you had been calling me for many 'a years
you even met me after i first asked you in..
in a bright light - despite my personal plight
you came right and correct
dodging all my physical perplex
and social anxieties
and my victim mentality
you chased me like a good husband does
and yes you found me...
but you spoke a promise that has already came
and yet to be predisposed
a mystery that boggles minds
of the young and the old...
you spoke a message of faith, hope and love
and the greatest of the 3
you spelled out
by showing me the events of Calvary
over shadowed by a white dove


mind dismantled by thoughts of what was to come 
you asked for help in intercession
from your brothers and your sons
but they fainted on you
and alone you dealt with a form of depression
capillaries burst
pouring out blood
a sweat filled insurrection
the trepidation began to creep in
and the enemy tried to sneak in with lies and intimidation
trying to break your concentration
but you stayed steady
unshaken
but the mob came with haste and
snatched the son of man up
beginning his physical pain and aches
they socked you with low blows
high punches
and drop kicks
mocked you and spit on your face
saying "prophesy! from which did you receive your hit??!"
brought you before Caiaphas
to decide your ultimate fate
eventually leaving the place to see peter's
disheartened face
'cause you told him he would deny your presence
and with grieve and sadness
His head hung low
and they took you, and stripped you with mad hits
they beat you leather glass, metal
and pieces of pottery
the cat of nine tails bit your flesh
because of our debauchery
they flipped you over and commenced the physical torture 
from your shoulders to the back of your legs
to your torso to the tops of your thighs
with crimson, you were saturated with red
then they drug you off to see Pilate
the Jews cried to set Barabbas the murderer free
sadly, the emperor walked away and agreed
they twisted a crown of thrown to your already weaken brain tissue
and snatched the wool off your back
re-opening your wounds
making you walk 100's of yards to your death bed
sweat is mixing with blood
a loss of conception now has come in the flesh
they make you crawl to your cross
they're watching and laughing
and mocking and clapping
and staring and passing
the hammer
and the nails
the pieces of wood
locking you into place
beating each nail into your body
the image of a dying son Mary just can never erase
with a decline of brain activity
and chronic loss of bodily fluids
traumatic shock
and nerve damage
you heart couldn't go through with it
so it stopped beating
cardiac arrest is the cause of this death
yours beat for me until the end
of your very last breathe...

That why i serve you Lord
That's why i commit to you again
because you got up out of the grave
And followed me when i ran
You kept me secured in love
And washed me to make me a man
You taught me over and over again -
when i just couldn't understand
I see now that it takes a life to serve you rightly
It takes a commitment of honor and service
To worship the Right King
So I'll praise you in every lyric
Every song
Every exposition'
Every thing that i do
I know you hear me
I know you listen
I know you know my heart
And i know you made me
I know you found me and clothed me
You've known me since i was a baby
You counted me as your own when i wanted to take my life
You shown me worth and counted me in your number
I'm proud to be now called your wife....

thank you Jesus



f.in.

(a.lone in failur.e) And That's My Testimony!

So here it goes...
My attempt to display my past in vivid color
From wishing to have a brother, to being loved my my mother
To hiding myself from the world under neatly folded covers
Convinced of not having worth
Wanting to commit suicide
Hating myself without any reason
Thinking I'm living just to die
I've had visions of being molested by my own youthful lust's
And being choked out by demons
Devilish activity running amok
In my mind
I tried to hide it and fight it
But i was divided
From my light source
I ran from my truth - that I had once abided
I tried porn to soften my pains
I never knew who I really was called to be
I made up in my own mind how i going to get there
Making mistakes relentlessly
Hating everyone around me
But smiling in there faces
Bitter towards God the Son
Who seemingly stolen all my fun
And wouldn't answer me anymore
Had He ever really listened?
'Cause im missing
There's gotta be a Amber-ALERT or an APB out
Some one on a mission...
But they never came to look for me
And i knew it was true
I was so sick and dried up on the inside
The only color I sustained was blue
I lost all of family
Lost my remaining friends
I thought that i had made it to a promised land
But failed once again
Ive been doped up on love songs
And lost in my emotions
Drowning in pools of unwant
Submerged under perilous oceans
Suffocated by fleeting beauty
Gaged by reels of lies
Beat up with blows of unfairness
Having my neck rung by spies
Being taken advantage of by opportunists
Of various types and sorts
Left for dead when they were through with my heart
They stabbed it with many swords

So i tossed my dreams away
And gave in to all the pain
I locked it down
(my heart)
And melted the key
Not letting anyone in ever again
I swore that i would never give myself to people
I cursed at the cross
And flipped birds toward the steeple
I judged the masses with class
And selfish dexterity
But little did i know
That the Lord was preparing me
He was setting me up for a spiritual awakening
And He let me act out all of my pain
Then humbled me restlessly
And on Christmas Day
I recommitted
My case He acquitted
And he blessed me with a vessel
To which I am now smitten
:)

But this is the truth of my heart
The readers digest version
Because i have to release this off my chest
Before i go to join with another person
The Lord is matchless and perfect
And all praise is due
The the King
Who's my provider
And so to you
My life's song I'll sing...