.s.incer.e. (88)
presents….
THE DIARY OF
A LONELY HEART
As Told By: Marcus Christopher Hollinger
Loneliness is defined as being affected
with, characterized by, or causing a depressing feeling
of being alone; or lonesome.
The medical classification: one who cannot properly assess, manage, or deal
with others emotions properly or otherwise remain disconnected from social
interactions for lack of good psychological equipment as well as basic
commitment can be likened unto or understood as: Asperger’s Disease.
Journal Entry 1: The Opening Leak
In
all honesty, I wrote this first section to kick my exposition off to expose
this past of being a hidden hypochondriac and a self-analytical ‘I’ll figure me out, if it’s the last thing
that I do!’ type of person I used to be. In all seriousness guys and gals;
In my past, I made many empty attempts to psychoanalyze myself to try and
figure out what was wrong with me and why I couldn’t be who I wanted to be or
at least who I felt like I could be, or who I really was or even what the media
was over-influencing me to be like. I thought that if I had enough knowledge
about what could be going on that was wrong inside of me that I could better
deal with my emotions and conditions and find a way to properly ‘grow up’ or what have you, and live my life
freely, to do what I ultimately saw fit to. Sadly, I was only fooling myself
into thinking that complex lofty thought, an understanding of medicines,
reading scholarly journals and peer reviewed writing columns, science and other
medical dictionaries, interviews by doctors and intellectuals on YouTube and
Wikipedia articles partnered with a myriad of random Google searches, would
assist and temporarily satisfy my longing to know, who I am, why I’m here, and
what causes me to feel like I do, and what can I do to change things in my life.
I never could answer these questions for myself. Even when I found some sense
of security, identity and comfort inside of the church that I was raised in, at
the end of the day, ultimately, if I was honest enough with myself, I would
have found my lived out freedom in Christ a lot sooner. But instead, I would
escape back into a place of clandestine emotional listlessness (a downward spiral of thought and feeling) that
would afford for me the opportunity to play cat and mouse with so many thoughts
of suicide, hate, fornication, and Sac-Religious mind traps. Understand that
these thoughts were not all at the same time in my life and they ranged
throughout my life based upon varying circumstances and life milestones as well
as discrepancies. So put more plainly, I knew how to mask my issues and live on,
as if nothing was going on in my head, but I secretly harbored unresolved pain
from years of personal and social negligence. In fact, I dealt with it so well,
that I developed good enough façade that not only fooled the people around me
into thinking that I was ok, but I also found a way to start this process of
denying my heart. It was very difficult of a road to walk, because at my core
was a need and a sense, like everyone else in the world, to not only receive
love, but to reciprocate it. I had a lot of love in my heart, a lot of it. I
really did. In fact, it’s never died; but I possessed a mentality of
victimizing myself that was disturbing enough to break my trust in so many
people that I’ve lived with throughout my life. It’s like I would never give
someone enough time to understand me. I would understand people and learn
people and want them in my life, so quickly, because of my void of loneliness;
but I wouldn’t give them grace to do the same thing unless it was in my time
frame of life. So I would unconsciousness judge people for their short comings
and ultimately become hurt by it, even though I was always patterning myself to
deal with this mess of a mindset.
(Selfishness)
You see i realized that I'm selfish
today
sad thing is that i always knew this
truth
but I'll finally, honestly say
That i blew it with my friendships
i dropped the ball multiple times
when you asked for my opinions
around my heart i drew the line
and kept back the real me
'cause i was convinced that you'd
reject me
and force me out of your life
and teach yourself to just forget me
'cause i didn't fit your mold
of who i was supposed to be
i knew you back and forth
but you never knew me
i wasn't good enough for the birthday
invites
left alone in the back of classrooms
and picked on by you at lunchtime
feeling like the size of a cashew
intimidated by your demeanor
so I ostracized myself
to a place of leaking faces
crying and begging for help…
selfish
helpless
unprotected
ill-effected
stricken
afflicted
restricted
constantly hit with
intricate
clippings
from misfits
and big kids
drowning in sorrow
only reaching to get lifted...
Loneliness was stricken unto me for
such a long time, that it was my tried and true black cloud that would never
cease to stop following me. No matter where I went, it would ultimately find
some way of reminding me that at the end of the day, no matter what happens,
we’re gonna be the couple of choice and inextricably woven until the end of
time. And I believed it, and it’s truly been the longest lasting battle besides
codependency that I’ve had to battle for my entire life. In fact, codependency stemmed
from my loneliness. But because of my mindset that was put onto me at an early
age (the victim mentality) it was easy to sit in that mess of life and not
really do anything about it. Many people who struggle with loneliness also have
a victim mentality. They almost work hand in hand. It works like this. I had something happen to me in my past, and
it’s effecting how I live my life now. I’ve been told that I am needed and I’m
of great worth to someone but yet I won’t fully accept it because I want the
chase of someone to follow after me. I want zeal and a passion to consume me
and to pursue me. But when it comes I’ll decide how much of myself that I want
to give out, because unless I’m understood in the way that I want, and how I
want it done, I don’t want it. But the fact that its coming gives me a little
bit or maybe even some satisfaction; but it’s not good enough. The truth
is, how good is good enough? Try pleasing an inconsistent list of good deeds??
– Good luck lol. But seriously this mindset creates the most consistent form
and pattern of ultimately being lonely. It’s a way of wanting everyone to meet
your impossible list of standards and when they can’t you drop ‘em. There are
some expectations that we place on people that the other people often times
have no clue they’re being held up to, and we create an opportunity of losing
people that if we understood what ramifications it held, we would stop being
such selfish introverts and start opening up to the people that we need the
most…
.i.ntroverted
I always feel this way
I feel as if everything I submit to others
Selfishly gets thrown away
I feel like I submit love and acceptance
Understanding and good moral
To people that I know or once knew
And yet they step all over my shoes
I feel like what I give is never what I
get back
No matter what I try to do
I always get back from people
An attack
I let myself die to wants, desires and
needs
And try to open myself up
As a safety net to people
But they trample over me like leaves
They chew me up and spit me out
Over and over again
And never think about
My feelings
My wishes
My stance or my opinion
They even try to get slick
By asking what I think
But I know it’s just another facade
Another way of pacifying me
Just long enough
So they think that I won't think what I
could be thinking
But it’s past too late
You always know how a person see's you by
the way that they respond
And this black cloud of hate always keeps
me from seeing dawn
'Cause I once was a spawn
A fawn of emotional freedom and recompense
But these feelings I have now
Kept me at bay, ever sense
The first foreshadow of dealing with the
human condition arrived
I was so ill equipped I would
constant duck down
Run and hide
Because good character and moral
won't deal with this type of malice
It's only a fruit of what’s on the inside
But I've forever long been so good at
dealing with the outside
Rather than the inside
I tried to look like I had it all together
And tried to be a really good person
I tried to help people throughout it all
too
But it's impossible to do this and succeed
Because sin has a festering, perpetual,
unstoppable bleed
That can't be fixed by merely making life
changes
It can only be fixed by being inter
fixed, betwixt the Love of the Most High
You'll die if you love politics
And you'll waste your life trying to be
good on your own standards
Like I used to
I tried and tried
But my heart was so seared
I was afraid of letting people know what I
was dealing with
Because they already had me on such a high
petastool anyway
I just lived up to their expectations
And dealt with it all
Introverted
The place where I became misguided and
perverted
In shackles of oppression
The place that I dare not enter
But constantly go...
Just like anything in life, habits create characteristics that define
lifestyles. It’s a scary truth that I never really grasped when I first
heard it. It’s sobering to know that behavior modification will dictate to the
people around us who we are, what we’re about, what we allow and what we stand
for. The only way I can call someone a thief if by way of a pattern of behavior
traits and dispositions that I’ve identified with him and know him for. Thus is
the same way in loneliness. We know lonely people by their actions and if we’re
not free ourselves we can become succumb by it, because misery loves company.
But the truth is that Christ is the way out! Christ knows the taste of
loneliness…
Matthew 26:36-46 –“Then Jesus went with his disciples to a
place called Gethsemane, and he said to them, “Sit here while I go over there
and pray.” 37 He took Peter and the two sons of Zebedee along with him, and he
began to be sorrowful and troubled. 38 Then he said to them, “My soul is
overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death. Stay here and keep watch with
me.” 39 Going a little farther, he fell with his face to the ground and prayed,
“My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me. Yet not as I
will, but as you will.” 40 Then he returned to his disciples and found them
sleeping. “Could you men not keep watch with me for one hour?” he asked Peter. 41 “Watch and pray so that you will not
fall into temptation. The spirit is willing, but the body is weak.” 42 He went
away a second time and prayed, “My Father, if it is not possible for this cup
to be taken away unless I drink it, may your will be done.” 43 When he came
back, he again found them sleeping, because their eyes were heavy. 44 So he
left them and went away once more and prayed the third time, saying the same
thing. 45 Then he returned to the disciples and said to them, “Are you still
sleeping and resting? Look, the hour is near, and the Son of Man is betrayed
into the hands of sinners. 46 Rise, let us go! Here comes my betrayer!”
He even cried out on the cross,
“Father why have you forsaken me?” The son of the living God asking the one who
sent Him to the earth, why did he leave him alone in his time of need.
Especially when the ones who he called friends deserted him and were ashamed of
him thereafter; When He needed people the most, they abandoned Him and had to
reason or connection enough to come for him. They didn’t understand the
reasoning for his death when it happened either. They were just terrified and
couldn’t do anything to help Him. It was so sad but God had to absorb His own
wrath and deal with his anguish…alone. Apart from His manifested unique
relationship he had with His creation. So what’s makes us even begin to think
that God isn’t faithful enough to heal us in our inner most parts? Who are we
to think that He doesn’t know! He knows! He knows every scar and every detail
and every need to be met in and for your life…
It’s truly apart of the web of life
and the proof that the human condition is in need of a Savior who can empower
us to live like He lives and Love like He loves. It’s the human condition to
only be concerned with self-preservation and only concerned about what happens
for you. It’s a perspective of being victimized that will allow you to keep
everything in you at bay from others, when they want to do everything to help
you…
I eventually asked the Lord to show me ME, and don’t hold
anything back from me. I asked Him to expose my heart, and if you’re really
real like the pastor said you were, not only would you depict to me, my insides
in their entirety (because you’re
all-knowing) but you would give me the way out like you’re word says that
you do for the one’s you love (healer
and chain breaker). And He did
just that, but only when I finally humbled myself out, without fleecing
God and truly asked Him for His ear and His voice. Nothing else; I had to start
learning how to go after His heart and stop asking for His hand. That’s why my
answer was prolonged. After my years of church exploits, Christendom, ‘knowing
what I was supposed to do’ – that’s what my theology has afforded me. I was a spiritual brat and the only active
member of the lonely hearts club. And on some real talk, it just plainly
sucked. It sucked to know that there were just as many reasons for me to feel
justified in my loneliness as there were for me to be ashamed of even
entertaining the feeling of being lonely. That’s why I needed a Savoir...
But this is the truth to all of you readers who feel alone,
forgotten, scared, and left for dead, a church casualty, walking in a sea of
faces, overlooked, shunned, pushed away, ill-mentioned of, spoken badly about,
lied on, cheated on, not given what you gave back, unrightfully done to, spit
on, mocked, hated, feared, ostracized, dichotomized, or excommunicated – The
Lord’s blood runs deeper than our chains. And the truth is, the more we focus
on what we have going on around us, the longer will we overlook the real
situation at hand in our mind and hearts. The truth about being lonely is that
the first channel of freedom comes the Cross of Christ and the more you run
from that, the more you’ll continue to really just fool yourself in thinking
that you can get over this psychological cancer that’s still ripping apart
hearts and ruining solid relationships today as it has for 1000’s of years. The
second channel of freedom comes from knowing who you are in Christ, because you
were worthy enough for the shed blood of Jesus to be spilled for, so know that
just because people fail at remembering your worth, your eternal worth (which
is much more important anyway) will never cease to be His first thoughts of you.
You have a God who is jealous for you and wants you to put your problems at His
feet and watch Him walk you through all of it, as you spend time knowing Him
and adopting His ways. The third channel of freedom comes from going to the
people who have wronged you and asking them for forgiveness. This is crucial
and it takes a lot of tenacity and humility to do this. Especially when you
feel like they were the ones who wronged you; you didn’t do anything! But this
isn’t the case. At the core of every lonely person is a seed of bitterness and
unforgiveness (no matter how big or small) and if it doesn’t get put to light,
it eventually begins to grow into a tree, with roots that will get deeper and
deeper as you continue to justify your actions. The fourth channel is to live
and move and have your being in Christ in all that you do, and to guard your
heart in all diligence because out of it flows the issues of life. (Acts 17:28
and Proverbs 4:23) This could be the most important one because when you come
out of this pain, there are too many devils targeted towards you now because
you have the keys to life. You must walk freely but you also have to guard your
heart against other people’s baggage, hurts and everything else that could
upset you enough to lead you back into your formal state.
Trust that none of this is possible without time spend with
God, reading the word, and being so filled up with Agape Love, that you can’t
get mad J
My intent with this project is to point you towards Christ, to expose my
condition and to show you how I got out. Because truthfully, I didn’t fully come out until this summer. Yep.
Summer of 2012. The Lord told me earlier
in the year, that a baby was going to be born on my birthday. And I wasn’t 100
percent sure what He meant by that. I mean we had a married couple in the
church that was expecting children close to my birthday, but I didn’t give it
much thought either than that. But now I see what He meant. He was referring to
me and my psychological state. A man is finally being buried and a baby is
being born on my birthday this year and naturally speaking – for the first time
in my life, do I really feel like I’m turning my age and hitting the first mile
stone in my life on my Birthday. Most birthday’s throughout my entire
life, were pretty similar – in fact the only birthday that was seemingly
significant to me was my 21st birthday – in which I celebrated being
with the Lord for 3 months in my relationship with Him. But this July a new
person and a new chapter and a new opportunity is coming out – not resurrected, but shaped, sculpted and
handmade (brand new). And I’m more than stoked, because truthfully, I’ve never
cried this much in my entire life. This whole year has been tears of dealing
with my heart and being honest before God and letting Him work out the
catacombs in my heart and breaking ground up to finally come to its original
purpose: to bear fruit as the Spirit wills. I really appreciate you all for
staying with me this far and I pray that if you feel the same loneliness that
I’ve felt, Google www.biblegateway.com and search John Chapter 1 and start to
ask the Lord to begin to reveal Himself to you. And don’t waste your time with
God, He loves you. Dive into Him if you you’re hurting or hungry for more of
Him and He will meet you where you’re at and bring you back to His banquet
table, a place that you were born to be at.
This concludes part one of The Diary of The Lonely Heart the
second installment of my 5 ‘freedom’ installments – and I invite you to dive
into the poems and the rest of the project.
This is what I want to say to
conclude this body of work. Being by yourself is not the same thing as being
alone. There is nothing wrong with enjoying time spent without other people
giving your life influence. In fact, you should plan that kind of time. But the
void of feeling like you’ll never have anybody to share life with, or that no
one cares about you, or that you’re not good enough, or that you’re not strong
enough; are thoughts that breed poison into your life and baggage to your
testimony. I’ve purposed in my heart that before I got married, I would let God
strip me down and streamline my faith and my life so that I would really be an
offering to my wife and before God. I want to be the best husband for her. I
want her to have a new reason to fall in love with me every single day. I want
nothing from my past, AT ALL, to try and come and choke out what we now have.
And my prayer is that she does the same. And if she’s worth it like I’ve
concluded that she is, then nothing will stop my investments in Calvary and in the Heart of God
as well as her heart. I put my trust
in the power that not only saves souls, but heals and restores hearts as well.
And I can tell you today that the Lord really has been good to me in more ways
than one and I’m in debt to continue my life in Him, because that’s really the
only way to give Him maximum thanks and praise is to follow Him now that you’ve
been adopted into His family. That was the hardest thing for me to understand.
When my FCFC family broke up, I had many bouts with loneliness. Even though I
had some people in my life that knew what I was going through, like I said
earlier, I was a brat, and I wasn’t really satisfied because I was so mad at
God for never giving me what I felt like I deserved. I mean come on God; this
is the closest thing to family that I’ve ever seen! What are you doing? And why
me and not another? Haven’t I gone through enough negligence in my life? Why
doesn’t someone else feel this pain for once? Why can’t I have an off day? Why aren’t
the other Christians around me having to live by the same thing? How come I
can’t always say what I’m feeling? I want to say what I feel too! I want to
have a safety net in someone to where I can express my deepest of shames and
secrets and know that they won’t judge me, because they hold the reflection of
my heart…
I would as God things like this from 2006-2012. And it
wasn’t until now that He really brought me into a place of freedom and
recompense that my heart truthfully, had been dodging because of the fear of
being exposed. With the loneliness followed trust issues. I couldn’t trust
anybody with my heart anymore, and before I moved to Tampa last September in
all honesty, my heart was closed down for repairs. I shut it down. And up until
this past Christmas break did I really learn what it means to get honest before
God about the garbage of my past. All of
my past. I had to break this mold and I had to find out what the Lord was
telling me all along in His love letter to me, also called the Bible. He was
telling me to truthfully let go, and let Him break me free and loose me from my
past, and awaken me into this new life of perpetual celebrated freedom and
declarations of faith, hope and love. And the greatest of these, is love.
You are not alone.
You are not forgotten.
You are not left for dead.
You have hope.
You have life.
And you are loved.
God knows your name, your circumstance, your likes, and your
past.
And it still will not separate Him from pursuing you in your
entirety.
In fact, you are the single most important person in the
universe.
And no one can do what you can do.
Welcome to the Kingdom brothers and sisters.
The Diary of the
Lonely Heart of Marcus Christopher Hollinger
