according to your obedience

i realized that I'm selfish today
sad thing is that i was the whole time - but the truth i forced to go away
i kept from you my real motive
refusing to be exposed
gave you something that you could relate to
something that you'd already know
something that looked dapper,
dangling with dandelions diminished of detriment
but under the surface lay full fledged bitter selfishness
time an again I'd let this conversation go on about the things of spiritual concern
things that break the inner core into, the stuff we already learned
- the stuff from Sunday school teachings, from the Wednesday night youth meeting
the biblical preaching, that were leeching, and breaching my soul - tied around my chest and neck, and causing me to sweat
prostrating under the conviction, all the while i recollect

and I'm thinking about my loathsome distrust
the deceptive taste of lust - where
in my mind thoughts run amuck
and im stuck, captured by love!
I'm captivated by this awesome person
I'm elated and get lost on purpose
cause my creator and boss is workin'
on making my oughts to serve Him!
I looked into His depths finding colors that eyes haven't seen
that angels, seraphim and cherubim since time began, constantly dream
the one who completed the cross work
and jumped off the throne of heaven
saw the need for a savior
a without hesitating violently jumped in -
the King of Kings and the Lord of Lords
as Johns revelations Book described
was looking into my heart and soul
with eyes burning with light
immediately my conscience gripped me and i fell to the ground
weak in every place and every inch of my body
i layed powerless, positioned like a paralytic poverty
swearing that i was ready for this encounter
but yet a fool was I
because he revealed a layer about me
that separated me from God....
"If you want your freedom, then take it, but choose today which you will serve..."
every word, every noun, every breathe i felt
in me,
it made my temple scorch, and my neck burn hot
timidly, i took my hand and reached for Him
He said "Peace, be still, for the Lord is your portion.."
the sound of many waters, rushed quickly, it felt like i was in a tornado
and yet i wasn't moving
the weight was so powerful, that still i couldn't move, but tears wouldn't stop falling, i didn't know what to do
i finally mustered up a cry to the Lord
"Let your servant by! Don't let me die! Have i not found favor in your eye!?"
.......
my eyes then open and the light hum of the humidifier fills the ear drum, softly
i reach over to the alarm reading 4 digits - lofty, yes at 02:33am
i lay awake wondering, "Am i were i am?"
Am i really here still?
in this 4 walled container?
still without answer, still forgotten, still needing a trainer?
needing a guide, or guiding light, or guide that's right
or a guy that speaks right, or a time to recollect life?
No - cause He's here He's ubiquitous - meaning everywhere every time
in every place in every rhyme - yet he stopped me in a spot where my sins weren't forgiven....
He stopped the party and said there still needs to be remission
your heart's still dirty
And your harboring bones dead
And your walking as a prisoner of words unsaid....